A Girlfriend’s Guide To Getting Through

So there’s things I am struggling with. I tend to believe if I struggle with something, chances are, someone else is too. And I believe the best way to address is is to talk about it. So I am thankful for my blog, it gives me the space to work through the things that scare me, the things that make me sad, the things that give me hope and the things that don’t.

Fear.

I’ve been working on the house since November of last year, and the circumstances around it have changed more than I can literally put in to words. But, I believe the path is the path I am supposed to follow and so I do. I’ve been on hold waiting for cabinets. Nothing more can happen with the house until cabinets are installed. Well, cabinets are arriving next week, and so install will happen and so will a closing date. I am afraid of getting my loan to the finish line, of getting a move scheduled, of moving somewhere all by myself, of knowing maybe a handful of people. I wasn’t happy when the cabinets were in purgatory, and now I find myself unhappy because another step forward is inevitable. Starting all over at almost 49 years old. I never in my life imagined this is where I would be… today.

And yet here I am.

Relationship front.

Catching feelings and having to know when it’s time to reel them in, even when it hurts. But writing on the wall is writing on the wall and someone that isn’t willing to take up the fight isn’t. Right now, he isn’t. Even if I want it to be so, and it’s not some crazy run from the fire thing. It’s a set of unfortunate circumstances that are simply not allowing for forward progress, and I am having to be okay with that too. And… it sucks.

Being alone.

This is the one that’s still beating my ass nearly every fucking day. Part of it is self imposed and part of it not. Part of it is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. I’d pay big dollars to have a companion on days like today when the couch is the place to be, but being here with my furry friend somehow isn’t quite enough. The next 60 days give or take are hard ones. I am waiting for the move to happen and so there’s constant limbo. I’m not quite here in Colorado and I am not yet in Arizona. So on the dating front, it makes it wholly ineffective. And lonely.

Getting into and out of my head.

What I would pay for the ability to get out of my head when I’ve managed to get into it in depths that fucking scare the outright mess out of me. So I’m going to try. I’m going to start with going to the gym, seeing how I do with that. I’m going to pack a box, or three. Three is what I committed to this weekend, I have to get ready for the move, it’s happening, and I need to be ready. And I need to know how to escape the scary place that’s my head. DBT distress tolerance is great here, it helps me to if nothing else shock myself out of the dark places I go. I’ll go to church tomorrow morning, that always helps, and then there’s the case for putting me first, the on-going ever-having battle of caring for myself first, not more than necessarily, but first above the litany of other people who carve out and occupy space in my heart and head.

The only way to get through…is to go through.