Being honest is all I have.

So I’m not writing. Not nearly enough.

And there’s probably a million reasons why, and I could dig into them, and then wonder to what purpose.

But lately my life has been less about Freedom and much more about FEAR.

And being honest about it is all I have.

So I should change my OLW for 2023 because lately freedom isn’t really resonating with me at all.

I am in another stellar season of living peppered with unknown, with people who don’t really feed the soul, help me flourish or support my growth. It sucks and it’s scary and there’s really not a whole lot I can do about it. And so I do what any self respecting girl does…

I cry.

A lot.

It’s been ongoing for nearly three weeks now, and it’s not reached its end. It will. It always does. Just not today…and not tomorrow either. But I know it will.

So here’s what I can do about it.

I can tell you that I am afraid. I am afraid of failure. I’ve been on a cycle of it since opening the business and Covid-19. And I am so uncomfortable it becomes paralyzing. I’ve been doing the things I know I need to do to keep my household running, to be ready for the next thing. I’ve been seeing Karine, my crackerjack therapist. I’ve had the unwavering support of Ken, my love, the completely oblivious love and affection of Oliver and Stanley and then there’s Daniel, my amazing young man who is just so good at checking in on me and letting me know I am in his thoughts. I have a great tribe of friends back home in Colorado who are never more than a phone call away. And for as much as it helps, it’s not the magic wand I wish for.

Brutal. Honest. Truth.

There is no magic wand.

There can’t be. This is another season of living where there is a lesson to learn, experience to gain, gratitude to feel, fear to face. I can say don’t worry because God has it, and he does. But I still worry and I still fear. I hope Jesus understands.

So the freedom I can enjoy today is the freedom in knowing I am scared. Freedom in knowing I am not the first, nor the last who has or will struggle with these issues. Freedom in knowing I am not alone, and freedom in knowing I am never alone. And the ultimate freedom in knowing all of this is in God’s hands.

Right where it needs to and must be.