When You’re Just Not Ready…

There are things that no matter the preparation or lack of you’re just not ready to live, to feel, and to be in.

#Covid19 and #2020 have been that way for me. And, honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever had a harder year in my life.

Not in 1981 when my parents got divorced and our family seemed to split in two overnight.

Not in 1987 when my family lost my grandmother Ruby…

My first, yes, first divorce, not the loss of my grandmother Carolina. The struggles of addiction in my family… The loss of my Aunt Diana, which is really the most painful until 2020.

I started The Mktg Dept in 2019, started building my business, things were moving right along. Enter March… Covid.

Fucking Covid.

I spent literally from March 9th until say May, basically quarantined. Keeping a small business running I missed only one payroll during that time. Our little business received PPP still waiting to see how that get’s taken care of… we received an SBA EIDL loan.

We managed to keep going.

In May, my second marriage imploded. Like literally imploded. It may have in any case, but the lockdown certainly was no help and it’s amazing to feel lonely when you’re in the same room as your family… It’s a mind fuck really.

So we move on… and I moved on.

There was a little let down of the lock down and things were maybe looking a little upward. In September, I was able to visit friends in Fargo, and that felt almost normal, not withstanding the masks on the flight….

In October, we were able to participate in a “hybrid” trade show… That was the last time I saw Deb, my friend, right hand, and chaos coordinator. Deb and I go back pretty far… she was my customer service rep when I was in sales with One Touch Point. She was my rep when she went to Royal Printing Solutions and when she was ready to retire in October ish November ish of 2019 we talked about her part timing with me to help my little business that was growing and give her enough to do to keep from being utterly board and/or getting in trouble.

And so she did.

Seriously… there is no better fit for me than Deb. She’s everything I’m not, and knows me for all of the good and the not so good.

Andy, her husband had recently been sick with Covid, and of course Deb nursed him back to wellness.

Deb got Covid.

The last I really heard from her was November 12th, 13th… I knew she had been to the emergency room, and then after that, I knew she had been admitted in to the hospital. But the silence from her was deafening. And then I heard from Andy November 27th… Deb was still in the hospital and had been on a ventilator for about a week. On December 3rd we got some good news, they were able to turn her ventilator down a bit… she was doing a little bit better. Cautiously optimistic but warned that it would continue to be a roller coaster, Covid is like that. December 9th, things turned worse, no good news and her care providers warned they did not believe she’d survive. I still don’t understand how we went from turning it down a little bit to not believing she’d pull through. I’m selfish, and my prayers were centered around Deb finding her stubbornness, her will to live, to take another cruise, and to golf another round. On Friday, the 11th, Andy texted again to continue to ask for our prayers for my friend Deb… that they were going to wean her from the ventilator. We’d get the miracle of her survival or the miracle of her going home to be with Jesus.

At 7:40 pm on Friday, I got the message from Andy that our sweet Deb had gone home. I am grateful that Andy was able to be with his love when she needed him most, and that she did not die alone, that he was able to hold her hand and spend her precious few last moments together.

And that brings me to today… there are 15 days left in 2020 and I believe we’ve collectively never been more ready for a year to end, to turn the page, and to pray for better days in 2021.

I don’t know what I’ll do without Deb, and honestly, in talking to my dad, we talked about how for me it really would have been “easier” and I know that’s not the right word, but “easier” just the same to have lost him… we think about and consider the loss of our parents as we get older, as our parents get older. We don’t often think about losing our friends, our right hands, our chaos coordinators. I just wasn’t ready to lose Deb…

Honestly…

My heart is completely broken. I am just not ready for this. I am not ready to consider what The Mktg Dept looks like without her. I am not ready to be without my friend. I am not ready for this… Grief sucks. Losing Deb sucks. Covid sucks.

2020 Fucking Sucked.

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