Today is November 26, 2020, Thanksgiving. So I thought I might take a minute, since I’ve not written since MARCH. It may seem difficult to find things to give thanks for. This year has certainly been a struggle, and truth, today is no different.
Since March and the start of Covid and lock down, and safe at home and safer at home and back to safe at home so much has changed. Mostly for the good, though I need to dig deep to find it.
I spent today alone.
By choice. As I look back at 2020, I am outright amazed at just how much selling myself out I’ve done. And I’ve done a lot. It’s embarrassing, it’s painful, and it’s raw. I got divorced this year, moved into a place of my own where everything is self-chosen, self-directed. I thought that I’d made the break. Broken away from people pleasing, from taking the back seat, second fiddle. I thought I’d made the choice to finally, finally, put myself first.
Not. So. Fast.
Dating. I started dating and I fell hard and fast for someone. I love him. I do. But over the past several months I am seeing my old people pleasing behaviors come back to haunt and taunt me. There is so much I love in this person… but then there’s also so much I don’t. Things I don’t agree with and find in huge conflict with my moral compass. And so it flares up and I stand up for what I want only to find myself weakening again. Allowing less of myself than I’d ever encourage of any of my girl gang peers.
So it happened again…
Yesterday. I chose myself. And today I chose to not participate in planned Thanksgiving events. Instead, I binged on Star Trek and I cried. A lot. The tears today are different. I am sad over this person and for a relationship I know good and well isn’t the right place for me. But I cried for being alone. Truth, I think I could have called any number of friends and found a place to be today, but today I chose to be alone. It’s hard, and it hurts, but I think it’s necessary. I don’t know the last time I had this kind of cry, the kind where your heart and gut really hurt, and it does.
I’m sure I’m not done with the cry today. There are more than 365 days of hurt to unpack and deal with. One ugly box at a time. So today, it’s peanut butter and jelly and gratitude for this moment of being strong, even when you don’t think you can.