I’d love to believe I’ve cried my last tear over this… and I haven’t. Today was another of the painful booger spilling, hyperventilating, sobbing sort of crying only associated with a broken heart.
It’s a crazy series of ups and downs, and downs, and then some more downs. I’m frustrated. I’m sad. I’m broken hearted. I have moments where all I can do is cry, I have moments where it’s me telling myself enough is enough, pick up, dust off, build the fucking bridge and get over it.
It’s not that easy.
It couldn’t be.
I didn’t just love you as something I said… a cute way to sign a card or end a conversation, or something we said with a kiss goodnight. I fucking love you. There was nothing I had that wasn’t yours, nothing I wouldn’t have shared freely without question or reservation. It was all or all, because I can’t even find myself able to do all or nothing. I don’t work that way.
My house is still in construction, and moving forward, and something I am moving forward with. The only road block I can see is a financing challenge, I’m doing my best to fix that. I love the house, I love that I can build and buy something all my own. I get to live somewhere no one else has… my new home smell. I love that I can do this. It’s scary because it’s so close to where you are. There are some absolute challenges that come along with that. So it’s time for me to really start getting real with that too. Of course, I think the time to get real is here anyway. You made the choices, you called the shots and now we both get to figure out forward based on your choices.
I can’t help but wonder if you really do or ever did love me. I believe you do, or at the very least did. I believe there was more to unpack and talk about and that there was nothing that wasn’t something we could have worked on… had we both been up to the task. Yours. Mine. Ours. It didn’t matter. I was. I’m sad the same wasn’t true for you too.
And so now what?
I hope you figure out what it is that’s hurting you so much. Because I don’t believe you deserve that hurt. I do believe you have to want to remedy it and it’s something only you can do.
I love fixing things.
This… for as much as I’d love to, I know I can’t. That sucks too. I’ve had people tell me about the bullet I’ve dodged, or I can do better, should have better, or deserve better, and right now… though all said from people I like, love, and/or respect, it matters little because my heart and head are still traveling two very different roads. My head is on board with pick up, dust off, build the bridge and fucking get over it. The heart… well… she’s still not on board. Some days it feels so much easier than others. That is the beauty of time on this. There will be more days that are better days as I move further away from the 15th, I also suspect there will be some real challenges as the time to move draws nearer. I’ll do what I can with my tribe to prepare myself for what’s next.
I hope you believe you deserve more. I hope you believe you can find it and make it happen. I hope you believe/d in what we had. I believe in what it is/was, because I saw it in you.
Broken heart will turn into a stronger one within hope. – Toba Beta