So it’s Friday… In normal time, FriYay. But I’m not there yet.
I made it through the bulk of the day yesterday with relatively few tears.
Then call time came.
We’ve spent nearly a year speaking every evening at our time. It’s missing now, and it still hurts. It frankly sucks that here we are a month later (give or take) and my heart still aches and wishes you’d just fucking call.
As I see it, and so well put by my gal pal Susan is I don’t have either definite hope, or… definite closure. I mean there’s the closure of we’re not talking and you’ve taken to ghosting, so yes, closure there. But you know and I know based on our last conversation, things were left very undone. It’s untidy. And it’s uncomfortable.
Through all of this, I believe I will keep you in my prayers. I tried to erase you from my mirror. I failed. And so you’re back up there… I am going to try again. I’ll try again. I’ll try again. It’s the way it is and how it goes.
I also believe there is a reason for everything. Whether I like it or not, there is a reason to go through seasons of hurt. I believe there is a reason you are going through it too. I still hope you are able to get your heart whole again.
And believe it or not…
I still love you.
Really it is the all or all because even today, a month later, I still wish the phone would ring, and you would be on the other end, I wish you would let me know you love me, you want me, and we can work on just being us. I believe however, the odds on that…
Not. So. Much.
So another week in the books. Cabinets are ordered, my taxes are finished and the final K1 for my business is done bringing me one step closer to closing and my new home… I believe in the possibility of starting over in Arizona, with a plan that’s different than what was originally imagined.
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. DESMOND TUTU