So I saw Karine on Monday. She’s my therapist, and I do believe she’s fucking amazing. I believe we need to change the conversation around mental health and therapy, but that’s a different conversation for another day.
The conversation around the loss of my relationship has been the topic d’jour for about a month now…since he put on the breaks without warning and at a slam versus tap.
We’ve talked about how I’ve been blogging to help work through the million give or take emotions I am feeling minute to minute, day to day, hour to hour. Sometimes writing it out helps, and sometimes not. Most of the time… I think it helps.
Blog or write why it is possible that I am amazing in all of these ways and yet are without a partner?
Here are the ways… in which I am amazing:
I’m debt free.
I have a great job.
I make great money.
I am successful.
I am alone.
And I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t even know that I know where to start finding the answer. Part of me feels like I traverse around with a target on my back (and front) letting the world around me know what an easy and gullible target I am. I fall, and when I do I fall hard. The outcome is historically painful, and leaves me with my feelings of not being good enough. And that is really quite the mind fuck, when I look at the aforementioned list.
So why am I alone?
Some might say my bar isn’t set high enough and that I need to be fishing in a different pond.
Some might say that I am trying to do things in Liz time versus God’s time.
Some might say I just haven’t found “the one” yet.
And I say I don’t know.
Because I actually believe he is the one. My last first kiss, the opposite attracts of me. The one that showed me I was worthy of the daily phone call, the affirmations of my “I am” list… and yet the one, who just wasn’t ready to accept me and my amazing and my not so amazing at face value and commit to the work of making it work.
Edit: 3/16/2022 7:47 — Maybe… he’s not ready ready to accept his amazing and not so amazing and commit to the work of making it work.
And there ladies and gentlemen… is the answer.
I am alone because he just isn’t ready to accept me (and him) and my (and his) amazing, and, not so amazing at face value and commit to the work of making it work.
So… I’ll wait.
And go through the sometimes painful process of grief and loss for my love. Learning what it is to be me in this new space where I am, to turn a Trane Technologies phrase, boldly challenge what is possible, so that maybe I’ll catch the fish in a different pond, or God’s time will prevail, and I’ll find the one.