John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

It’s never easy… To not worry, not stress, not react.  I think that could be the hardest struggle in my life as a Christian.  How many times EVERYDAY do I think I know more?  I control more? I can do more?

I’ve had the first two tests done from my doctor visit last week.  I was hoping that would put a nice tidy little end to things.  It didn’t.  Next up, a blood test to confirm that I am not in fact pregnant, which would be ridiculous to consider (it’s just not possible) after that there is the biopsy on Friday… and somewhere in between all of that there is now a call for an MRI.  Stay tuned.

Here’s the thing… My logical brain, the place that does math and knows that I blatantly use two spaces at the end of a sentence knows that this whatever “this” is — is going to be whatever it is, there’s nothing in the scope of my very human need for control can do.  Period.  That’s just the simple truth.  And there lives the emotional space, the place where worry dwells.  The place where my faith lives, but can be so frail. So I’m admitting that I’m kind of a hot mess even in the place of I don’t know what I don’t know yet.  That place where I struggle, because I know God has my back, no matter what an outcome is, but that my desire for human control, where it just thinks I must know more than God.  That, my dear dear friends is ridiculous, at least in my life.  In my world, it’s God that decided that I should be born on September 10, 1973 at 8:51 a.m. It’s God that decided when Daniel would enter my life and be perhaps my greatest source of joy (and occasional pain), so it stands to reason that there is purpose in today in what God has intended for my to learn and live in uncertainty.  I think denying my fear, anxiety, worry… seems larger than what I am humanly capable of.  So I’ll be working, and praying for peace,  knowing God still has my back.