Today is one of the days I am absolutely convinced that my life needs a rewind button. It wasn’t one of my better days of late, in fact, I’d suggest it’s been one of the most trying this week. I had my blood work done on Tuesday and as I suspected, I’m not pregnant. Whew right? Well only because it’s something that just isn’t possible. But that still does little to answer the what’s going on with me questions. That sucks. This morning I was thinking about what’s been going on in my week. How can I show up differently to influence my surroundings? My outcomes? With the health stuff, with other stuff….it’s all stuff.
The biopsy is tomorrow… I have to tell you, it doesn’t sound fun. Having the test on a Friday, having the entire weekend to consider the results. Eric having work travel, this isn’t fun. I’m afraid that results will happen while he’s out of town, my rock. Can I big girl enough to get through it? It’s sounding excruciating. In fact, I’d rather be sitting in the dentist chair. No nitrous.
My MRI has been scheduled and the valium has been prescribed. Next Thursday. I get two done. One with and one without contrast. I’ve never had this type of procedure done and frankly, I don’t think I’m claustrophobic. Then again, I’ve never been in a little tube that makes a ton of noise either. I don’t think I get headphones. That blows. But we still don’t know what we don’t know so it files in the necessary column. Nerve wracking. The money… oh dear goodness the money. Insurance rate? Cash pay rate? Oh… the rewind button. Wouldn’t it be great to have one? Kind of like the “easy” button for Office Depot. That little secret weapon to have on hand for those moments when things aren’t what you want them. Of course, in hitting that button, I suppose we couldn’t be sure that the circumstances would be any different? I suppose if I had the button and pushed it, things could remain the same. They could be better… but then what if it’s worse?
It’s always easy to wish for a different outcome. To wish that you could take something back, and action, a word… but the truth — we can’t. Another one of those gnarly ailments of the human condition for the good, the bad, the ugly.
So I won’t be hitting the rewind, even if I had it. I’ll push play and take each note at a time and enjoy the music that happens note by note.