525,600 minutes

One of these days I do believe I should see Rent.

Because I refer often to 525600 minutes. The number of minutes in a year. And tomorrow it will be 525600 since I first flew to Phoenix to see you.

The name of the song is Seasons of Love. In the past 525600 minutes, I believe I’ve felt all of the things one can feel in the seasons of love. The newness of the relationship, when everyday was rainbows and unicorns… and sparkles and bows. It went that way for such a long time… Maybe it was dating from the distance that made it so. And honestly, for me, it was rainbows and unicorns until January maybe… when things just started feeling off.

It’s like going from Spring to the bone chilling dead of winter in 30 seconds or less. That’s what the fall apart felt like for me. The season where it ends… when the relationship dies. It’s cold, it’s empty, everything dies and everything hurts.

Maybe it was happening the whole while and I just didn’t notice, or care to notice. I was so committed to what I thought we were building that I don’t think I bothered to believe for one moment that we weren’t equally invested. I didn’t stop to consider maybe we weren’t on the same page. Not that I would have, because from all signs I see and evidence I have, I had no reason to believe otherwise.

And yet here we are.

And strangely enough, I am getting ready to travel back to Arizona.

Timing is funny isn’t it?

This time, I’ve had to plan more. Be more intentional with my time, to be sure I don’t have a lot of empty time to wonder what could have been, what should have been, what I believed would be.

I’ll arrive on Monday, and go straight to the house. I am looking forward to the progress that’s been made since my last visit. I’m bringing my sharpie… so I can write my hopes and dreams for my home in Arizona on the floor and the walls… so they’ll be permanently in my home. It’s like my prayer circles.

I’ll spend Tuesday doing sales calls and stay the night in Phoenix.

Wednesday.

I’ll move on to Tucson for some appointments and trade show prep. Ordinarily I may have kept the room in Phoenix and gone back there.

If we were us.

But we’re not.

So staying in Tucson makes more sense. I’ll grab dinner with some friends… and not have the urge to wonder what you’re doing. Driving by to see if you’re home. Thursday is trade show day, and I’m grateful for Thursday plans too. Return to Phoenix on Friday… one last drive to the house, and then to the airport to come home… If we were us, I’d be staying the weekend and returning home on Sunday.

But we aren’t. And so it’s different, it has to be.

What we were… was almost 525600 minutes of thinking I had my forever person.

How do you measure the Seasons of Love?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1c3MARlJ0Q

525600 minutes of learning to move on, miss you less, want you less and look forward to 525600 minutes of learning what makes me fulfilled.