And there are still tears…
Believe it or not… a year ago today ish, we were hanging out in a park in Phoenix. Trying to make every moment last before I had to go to the airport to come home. And just like then… I’m finding myself with tears. This time, because I still miss you.
Two months. And honestly sometimes it feels like two seconds, or two minutes or two hours, shit… two days. I believe it’s getting easier, better, more tolerable. Most of the time. And then just like that, it’s not again. There are little markers that happen. A song I hear and not burst in to tears, and there are still songs that just push me over the ledge. I’ve yet to listen to Happy Anywhere by Blake Shelton, it’s just too close.
I’m working on laundry for travel to Arizona tomorrow. Looking forward to that… I love travel, even not seeing you, I still love it.
The next milestone is two weeks away.
Sarah is getting married, and we were going to have our first vacation together. Initially, I was going to go by myself. I thought better of it, because I don’t want to be alone, I think I’d think too much of you. So Sheritta is going. I’m grateful for that. So today was dress shopping and getting ready for a week in paradise, without you. I don’t know if, and I wonder if you think about ANY of these things? Or…
Is it something I do…?
Because I am just having such a hard time getting over you. This is our “anniversary.” There you are and here I am and we’re just not. I have to keep telling myself that. I want you to think about us, I want you to miss me, and I want you to want me back. It makes me sad and feel a little bit on the pathetic side of things frankly… Just like having Sheritta be my travel buddy. I feel like I’ve given up on us, just a little and I don’t want to give up on us. And I am still asking myself… what the fuck happened? I thought about when your dad said that you told him that we just weren’t getting along… And that’s why we’re over. And when I think about that… I think about things with the house were becoming more real, and that real decisions were being made, how to create our household. Honestly, I believe things were getting too real for you. Never once did I believe we were just not getting along. I do believe things were getting harder, it doesn’t matter who’s “fault” it is, or was, or could be. It just doesn’t matter.
What I do believe?
I believe still we were/are worth working on and fighting for. That is why I struggle so much. And then I just catch myself talking about us in past tense… another marker on the road. I believe just not getting along at the moment is not a reason to throw something amazing away. It’s like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Things you just don’t do.
That’s what you did.
You pussed out. You gave up. You quit. You avoided working on something worth working for. You avoid things that are hard. It has consequences. You threw us out because it was easier than doing the work. Fuck you for that. Fuck you for breaking my heart. Fuck you for loving me or for not loving me. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
I hope you think about us.
I hope you think about me.
I hope you think about Kauai.
I hope you think about the house.
I hope you think about what was possible.
I hope you think about what was possible. I hope you know never ever if you live a million years will you EVER find a woman that loves you more fiercely or willing to go to the mat than me.
And in all of that… this is still true.