Waiting To Exhale…

If I’m being honest… there is so much in this week to be excited about, and yet, there is still a little lingering dread. Maybe a lot.


For the most part, I am super excited about leaving the world behind on Tuesday, spending some much needed time on the beach, listening to the waves, feet in sand, butt in cabana, book in hand. And yet, there’s just no escaping the very real and still painful awareness that you won’t be there with me.

It sucks.

I have closure, believe me, you gave that to me in spades, and yet this is one more reminder that we’re not us. Really, the progress I’ve made in the past two ish weeks has been so good for me. There’s little crying, very little, and on the occasion that it catches me, it’s brief. I’m glad for that. But the very sad very real fact remains that this vacation was going to be our first real vacation together. And I’ll grieve that it’s not.

I believe Sheritta and I will have an amazing time, and I really need to think on how to be sure I am filling time wisely, without being stuck in my head, without constant lamentation, without wishing for something that doesn’t exist and will never be. Because as glorious as doing nothing sounds, doing nothing gives me time to be alone in my head, and we all know what happens when I spend too much time alone in my head. Facebook Live happens. I need things that keep me from missing you.

It’s funny to still miss you.

Or the thought of “you.”

Because you aren’t who I thought you were.

I can’t help to wonder if you’ll be thinking about your own “What Ifs” on Tuesday? On a gut level I have to believe you will. Not that I think you really give a shit from a place of authentic feeling, regret, or consideration for what you’ve done.

It’s almost psychopathic.

You play people the way people play cards or golf, they go, play a game, play to win, and at the end of the sport change your shoes, put the gear away and move on to the next task on a list. I have such a hard time understanding that… and how people who believe themselves to be kind do that to another person.

But we’ll choose something different here, given my post yesterday on boundaries and expectations.

For you, there are no boundaries and expectations.

It’s how you’ve lived a life like you have. It’s how you’re stuck with the life you are in, because boundaries and expectations are not a part of your moral fabric and plan for living.

Do. It. Different.

I am going on a holiday with Sheritta. A girlfriend who seriously brings out the best in me. She creates the space to live confidently and out loud. Looking forward to experiences that will matter for a lifetime. I’ve done two other girl type getaways, one with my sweet friend Dani when we had the full on solar eclipse a few years back, and then just a couple of years ago to Fargo to visit Jeffery and Jim with Jenny and Angie. This experience here is by far the biggest and most EPIC, that I’ve done without the aid and assist of a partner and I am seriously proud, excited, and encouraged by that. Big Girl Things matter this week and those BGTs are confronting what’s uncomfortable and welcoming it, because the only way to get through it is to go through it. BGTs are enjoying a well earned vacation, searching out the experiences that will fill the pages, and create the memories. If there’s a need to cry, I’ll cry. If there’s a need to laugh, I’ll laugh. If there’s a need to scream, I’ll scream. There will be a need to experience…

The Bernie burn the shit down moment… Fuck I love Bernie. I love that she gets what she deserves for the lumps she’s taken and the knock down she endures.

The Gloria this shit can’t be real moment… when she learns her ex-husband is gay and her son trying to be a man before the time is right. Fuck I love Gloria. I love that she finds love.

The Savanah and Robin moments… women who break the cycle of the myth of needing a man in their lives to feel complete if it’s not the right man in the right time or the right place. They didn’t settle for what the respective men in their lives would offer, they demanded more and when the men couldn’t put up, these women put them out.

I think I see myself in all of these women, I’ve seen my reflection in their behaviors. Burning the shit down, having the this shit can’t be real, even accepting less than I deserve in a relationship. More. Than. Once. And… setting some boundaries about not just taking what you have to give because it’s all you have to offer. Waiting for my real worth having one.

They are all waiting to exhale, and they all do in their way… I’m waiting for that moment too. I’ll find it, maybe tomorrow, or in a week, or this time next year…

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