My desire for control….
If you know me, or follow me on Facebook, LinkedIn, or even here on WordPress through my blogs, you know I have a thing about control and having answers. Not so much in an OCD kinda way, but the I do so much better when I know what’s coming next kind of way. Maybe it’s a touch OCD?
So there are some things that have been keeping me up at night, and I believe they all stem from what I want to, but can not control.
I started building last November, and here we are and the finish line is not quite in sight, we’re still waiting on cabinets, but it’s creating an entire thought process that keeps me up at night. Changes to my credit report. Where are the cabinets? Do I have a closing date? No… because I have no cabinets. Will I find a fridge and washer/dryer in the face of supply chain drama? The fear of giving notice on my apartment too early. To pack or not to pack. What kind of knobs to buy? Who can help install ceiling fans… and I tell you the list just goes on and on and on. Really.
I am about six ish months in to my new job as a Regional Account Manager with Trane Technologies. I love love love what I do. Connecting with people and help the find solutions is one of those things that always makes my heart happy. But… the HVAC portion of the industry is new to me. The vertical and customers not really, though my decision makers and influencers is probably a little different. I worry about my performance. Am I doing enough? Am I demonstrating value? Am I learning enough? Can I navigate a clunky process? New boss… that’s a whole different can of worms, particularly when we all work remotely from one and other. Managing expectations. Travel. Quarterly bonus submissions. Trade shows… networking events.
It. Just. Goes. On.
Home. Life. Relationship. (and Tod Christopher)
My son continues to navigate the finer dynamics of living on his own, being responsible for his decisions. Having a support system, and sometimes flat out still needing his parents. Or not. A strained relationship with my mother, and while it doesn’t keep me up at night, which might be seen as a problem, is something that always seems to be lurking in the background. Strained relationship with one of my brothers, really for reasons unknown. Again, not a keep me up at night thing… but, white noise in the background that bothers me. My younger sister in IL and her challenges, physically, emotionally, financially. Things I have seriously no control over. And… even if I did?
Tod Christopher. He’s literally my best bud and fury friend. And he’s aging, dramatically so. Losing weight at a pretty alarming rate for a little dog. Sometimes he wanders just mindlessly, like little doggy Alzheimers. He’s having increased issues with incontinence and so that brings an endless cycle of doggy pampers. Is it too early? I’m afraid of waiting for it to be too late. Is it me being a bad dog mom? This does keep me up at night.
Love and relationships.
Sometimes I still reel over the break up with Chet and still play a litany of what its and other various mind games. Even though, and I know, he’s back with his ex-wife, wife, not really sure but I guess wife is right since he never completed his divorce. The what if game if he shows up on my door step in Arizona, though, I know pretty decidedly isn’t likely to happen, and yet, sometimes it rears its ugly head and shows up and interrupts my slumber.
New. Guy. Long distance and somewhat complicated. I fall fast. Does he fall fast? Does he fall? Balancing red flags and circus flags. None of this stuff is easy. None. And there are some rough ish similarities between NG and OG. Do you trust NG or keep the wall up because OG totally smashed a very willing heart in to a million little pieces without blinking an eye? He’s sweet. How do I manage what I want and need in a next relationship with what he wants and needs in a next relationship. None of this shit is easy and it interrupts my sleep and keeps me awake at night. Go public. Don’t go public. Compromise. Expectations. Communication. All keep me up.
Making peace with the only thing I do have control in — in any of this.
I can only control my responses. My actions. My personal Liz expectations, not the ones I’d like to impose. Not the ones I’d like to see other people make. The only thing I can control is me and how I am showing up. And that’s hard too, and that keeps me up. On the whole, I believe I am getting better ish at it. I think. I at the very least am aware that I have a full on love affair with control, and it’s not likely to serve me well… though make no mistake having the ability to just take control can be as much a beautiful gift as a damaging curse.
So if you’re anything like me, and I imagine I know some people who find this very relatable. I see you. I feel your pain, and I am in your corner navigating our need for control.