When You’re Just Not Ready…

There are things that no matter the preparation or lack of you’re just not ready to live, to feel, and to be in.

#Covid19 and #2020 have been that way for me. And, honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever had a harder year in my life.

Not in 1981 when my parents got divorced and our family seemed to split in two overnight.

Not in 1987 when my family lost my grandmother Ruby…

My first, yes, first divorce, not the loss of my grandmother Carolina. The struggles of addiction in my family… The loss of my Aunt Diana, which is really the most painful until 2020.

I started The Mktg Dept in 2019, started building my business, things were moving right along. Enter March… Covid.

Fucking Covid.

I spent literally from March 9th until say May, basically quarantined. Keeping a small business running I missed only one payroll during that time. Our little business received PPP still waiting to see how that get’s taken care of… we received an SBA EIDL loan.

We managed to keep going.

In May, my second marriage imploded. Like literally imploded. It may have in any case, but the lockdown certainly was no help and it’s amazing to feel lonely when you’re in the same room as your family… It’s a mind fuck really.

So we move on… and I moved on.

There was a little let down of the lock down and things were maybe looking a little upward. In September, I was able to visit friends in Fargo, and that felt almost normal, not withstanding the masks on the flight….

In October, we were able to participate in a “hybrid” trade show… That was the last time I saw Deb, my friend, right hand, and chaos coordinator. Deb and I go back pretty far… she was my customer service rep when I was in sales with One Touch Point. She was my rep when she went to Royal Printing Solutions and when she was ready to retire in October ish November ish of 2019 we talked about her part timing with me to help my little business that was growing and give her enough to do to keep from being utterly board and/or getting in trouble.

And so she did.

Seriously… there is no better fit for me than Deb. She’s everything I’m not, and knows me for all of the good and the not so good.

Andy, her husband had recently been sick with Covid, and of course Deb nursed him back to wellness.

Deb got Covid.

The last I really heard from her was November 12th, 13th… I knew she had been to the emergency room, and then after that, I knew she had been admitted in to the hospital. But the silence from her was deafening. And then I heard from Andy November 27th… Deb was still in the hospital and had been on a ventilator for about a week. On December 3rd we got some good news, they were able to turn her ventilator down a bit… she was doing a little bit better. Cautiously optimistic but warned that it would continue to be a roller coaster, Covid is like that. December 9th, things turned worse, no good news and her care providers warned they did not believe she’d survive. I still don’t understand how we went from turning it down a little bit to not believing she’d pull through. I’m selfish, and my prayers were centered around Deb finding her stubbornness, her will to live, to take another cruise, and to golf another round. On Friday, the 11th, Andy texted again to continue to ask for our prayers for my friend Deb… that they were going to wean her from the ventilator. We’d get the miracle of her survival or the miracle of her going home to be with Jesus.

At 7:40 pm on Friday, I got the message from Andy that our sweet Deb had gone home. I am grateful that Andy was able to be with his love when she needed him most, and that she did not die alone, that he was able to hold her hand and spend her precious few last moments together.

And that brings me to today… there are 15 days left in 2020 and I believe we’ve collectively never been more ready for a year to end, to turn the page, and to pray for better days in 2021.

I don’t know what I’ll do without Deb, and honestly, in talking to my dad, we talked about how for me it really would have been “easier” and I know that’s not the right word, but “easier” just the same to have lost him… we think about and consider the loss of our parents as we get older, as our parents get older. We don’t often think about losing our friends, our right hands, our chaos coordinators. I just wasn’t ready to lose Deb…


My heart is completely broken. I am just not ready for this. I am not ready to consider what The Mktg Dept looks like without her. I am not ready to be without my friend. I am not ready for this… Grief sucks. Losing Deb sucks. Covid sucks.

2020 Fucking Sucked.

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Peanut Butter and Jelly Kind of Day…

Today is November 26, 2020, Thanksgiving. So I thought I might take a minute, since I’ve not written since MARCH. It may seem difficult to find things to give thanks for. This year has certainly been a struggle, and truth, today is no different.

Since March and the start of Covid and lock down, and safe at home and safer at home and back to safe at home so much has changed. Mostly for the good, though I need to dig deep to find it.

I spent today alone.

By choice. As I look back at 2020, I am outright amazed at just how much selling myself out I’ve done. And I’ve done a lot. It’s embarrassing, it’s painful, and it’s raw. I got divorced this year, moved into a place of my own where everything is self-chosen, self-directed. I thought that I’d made the break. Broken away from people pleasing, from taking the back seat, second fiddle. I thought I’d made the choice to finally, finally, put myself first.

Not. So. Fast.

Dating. I started dating and I fell hard and fast for someone. I love him. I do. But over the past several months I am seeing my old people pleasing behaviors come back to haunt and taunt me. There is so much I love in this person… but then there’s also so much I don’t. Things I don’t agree with and find in huge conflict with my moral compass. And so it flares up and I stand up for what I want only to find myself weakening again. Allowing less of myself than I’d ever encourage of any of my girl gang peers.

So it happened again…

Yesterday. I chose myself. And today I chose to not participate in planned Thanksgiving events. Instead, I binged on Star Trek and I cried. A lot. The tears today are different. I am sad over this person and for a relationship I know good and well isn’t the right place for me. But I cried for being alone. Truth, I think I could have called any number of friends and found a place to be today, but today I chose to be alone. It’s hard, and it hurts, but I think it’s necessary. I don’t know the last time I had this kind of cry, the kind where your heart and gut really hurt, and it does.

More truth...

I’m sure I’m not done with the cry today. There are more than 365 days of hurt to unpack and deal with. One ugly box at a time. So today, it’s peanut butter and jelly and gratitude for this moment of being strong, even when you don’t think you can.

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It’s hard to believe today is March 1st. Today we start Women’s History Month.  I really didn’t even know we had such a thing until just yesterday.  So I think about the amazing women in history and ponder how they’ve contributed collectively to HERstory.

For the next 31 days, on 5280 Women, a Facebook page I manage with some amazing women, we’ll be looking at the women who have influenced our story.


Women and possibility.  

Without these women, where would our story be?  They have challenged the status quo, they’ve demonstrated their grit, their grace, their intelligence, and their sheer will power all in the name of possibility for women.  These women gave us the right to vote, they’ve given women of color the ability to sit wherever she wants on public transportation. They’ve given us the possibility to carry our own credit cards.

These women.

Have paved the way for us to go to space, to work for NASA, to run for president.  They’ve given rise to our power in the courtroom, entrepreneurship, the ability to find happiness and success as moms and career women.

These women.

Remember this month to thank a woman for helping you believe in what is possible!

My gift for the amazing women in my tribe, and with the thanks to Devon Bawlit…

The Power of

She was warned, she was given an explanation,
yet she persisted.

She chews each stone twenty times twenty,
and when her own teeth fail,

borrows more. She claws her way up
the sides of the pit,

and when they raise the walls, reaches
for the next handhold,

leaving fingernails and skin. Tell her
she is too much,

tell her to go home, tell her that her efforts
impress no one.

She might sob, but she will laugh with the same

Her laughter might be bitter, but persisting,
it will suffice.

We decide what IS possible.

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I found Possibility in Target…

Oh how I love Target. Target-Logo

Like really LOVE it. 

There is seldom a time when shopping I manage to make it out for less than $300.00.  I am sure there is a brilliant marketing strategy in there somewhere.  But, I digress.

I was at my local Target last week to pick up my contact lenses scope out the clearance rack, buy some bronzer and of course new cosmetic brushes…  They’re A-mazing!  On my way out, I usually consider stopping  at the Starbucks there, I typically don’t, it doesn’t feel “real” to me.  So I’d rather hit the drive through across the street.makeup-brushes

But this day… I did.  

And… I don’t know why, but I also felt the push to buy the coffee for the customer behind me, you know the pay it forward thing? So this little coffee… a tall London Fog to be exact, which is really tea… nearly brought the recipient to tears.  You see, she told me she’s an HR administrator and just spent the day working on severance packages for employees being let go from their job.

What an im-Possibly hard day! Starbucks

I honestly can’t imagine having to do be the person orchestrating severance packages knowing the effect it would have on someone having an otherwise good day.

So what does this have to do with possibility?  

Well, the way I see it… we have a choice, every. single. day.  The choice to realize our actions carry infinite possibility, both good and bad. Sometimes we can use our actions to the benefit of others with the possibility of being a day saver or life changer.  We can choose actions resulting in the possibility of damage, hurt, or heartache. When we get the choice… I hope we choose the possibility of making someone smile.

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There Is Going To Be One…

So there is going to be one.  

Of those days.

You know the kind.

The type that drop you to your knees and leave you questioning absolutely EVERYTHING.  Maybe it’s something that happened with your partner, or your child, or a friend… or a coworker.  Maybe it’s something you’re just facing that you’re just facing.  Maybe it’s work… or health.

The truth is, it’s unavoidable.  

We have those moments, days, weeks, I hope they’re not months or years, but… if it is, I hope you find your way in to possibility.

In. Those. Moments.

Baby Sloth

Always look up for possibility…

I recently had one. Like days ago recently.  And in the moment, I went from zero to sixty in less than 2.5 seconds.  I went from being a the top of my game to the very bottom, questioning every single choice. I emailed my coach letting her know that not only was “the honeymoon over” in my new business and I was knee deep in perturbation, but I wondered how I’d ever get through a few really tough hours.

And somehow… I did. 

It wasn’t easy.  Nor was it fun.  But, pain, struggle, and even failure give rise the the opportunity to be better.  The opportunity to be better is possibility, plain and simple.

When next you have that moment, remember when you are back flat on the ground, or feel like you’re just hanging by a thread… all you need to do is open your eyes, look up and find the possibility.




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Believe Anything Is…

If you believe anything is…  it will be.  Is it impossible?  If you believe it is, it will be.  Is it improbable?  If you believe it is, it will be.  Is it unlikely, if you believe it is… it will be.


What happens when you believe that anything is possible?

This week I had lunch with Darius.  I’ve known him for a few years now. We met while I was mentoring with Colorado Youth at Risk, oh 2012, maybe 2013. He was in the first cohort that I participated in.  What struck me about this young man… his kindness, humility, desire to work, and drive to see possibility.  We stayed connected through his high school career.  As a senior, he reached out to me after being recruited by BHSU (Black Hills State University) to play football.  Darius very much wanted to visit the campus to see if BHSU was a good fit, but lacked the necessary resources to make the trip happen.

We went to work.IMG_3708

Using our connections, we were able to secure his flight on a friend’s airline miles.  Another dear friend put pocket money in his hands. I also had a girlfriend that I graduated with that made Rapid City home, so he had a just in case mom no more than twenty minutes away.

Believing in what is possible, Darius made the trip. He graduated this December with a degree in sports journalism.  Because he dare to dream about what is possible. I’ve loved our lunches when he’s been home on break, keeping up with what he’s up to, and being able to witness the relentless pursuit of possibility.

What is possible? Whatever we decide is possible.  The Mktg Dept is three months old this month… because someone (me) dared to consider possibility. 

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Starting Over…

There is just something about a new day, a new week, month, or year that just causes your heart to beat an extra beat, to feel perhaps a bit more hopeful than you were the day before.

Today, I am starting over.  

Last year my OLW (One Little Word) was Consistency.

I blew it. At least from a blogging perspective.  Like all things, the year starts with new hope and expectations. We make resolutions to lose ten pounds, to go to the gym more, to be kinder, to change jobs, change directions.  There is always so much to look forward to.

Then. Possibility Everywhere

We find ourselves three days in, three weeks in, three months in and something has changed.  Our hope and excitement has left and then we get in to the everyday routine of life, missing the excitement we had.

I am forgiving myself.  

There is no beating myself up for things that I have or have not done.  There is no shaming myself, nor anyone else for that matter.


As it turns out, we have endless supplies of possibility. Feel safe in knowing that we get another chance, and then another, and then another yet should we need it.  Feel free to take all of the possibility you need, because there is more!

2019 was good to me. 2019 was great!  I saw possibility and started my new business.  I saw possibility and saw my doctor and started making new strides in losing weight, getting healthier, and I saw real possibility in my ability to help lift women in the pursuit of dreams, intentions, and plans.  2019 was a gift. 

So, this.

January 2020, The Mktg Dept. is three months old.  We are self-sustaining, I am going on my own payroll on the 15th and I’ve even hired a part time assistant to give me ten hours a week of support in growing my business.

Possibility is everywhere.  

On September 10, 2019, if you had asked what’s possible, I don’t know honestly that I would have had a good answer for that.  Today, I do.

Everything is possible. 

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It’s a work in progress. I am a work in progress. There is only one way to get there and that’s by starting right now.  I made a date with myself to blog once a week. And I realize it’s so much about accepting that life is a made of  a series of successes and failures carefully woven in to consistent effort.

I missed my date with myself and my blog yesterday.  Rather than waiting until next Sunday, my normal date day, I chose NOW to get back to it.  Consistency is so much more than arriving at perfection, it is the progress the journey will take me on.  Of course, this seems to be an enormous cliché, yet, true and truer, every day.now

So it goes.

We’re given the choice every day.



Today, I choose the former. Realize starting now is the best time to pursue steadfast actions, one upon another eyes aware of the destination, but not losing sight of the steps along the way.

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OLW… 2019

It’s a darn good thing punctuality isn’t my OLW.  I’m late in launching my OLW and it does an amazing job of why this OLW for 2019 is spot on.  Consistency.  It’s a struggle, and a large one in my life.

I am heading in to 2019 having had one of the best year’s in my life in 2018.

For a million reasons. 

My career has been one of my largest areas of growth.  The work I’ve done in getting diet and exercise in to motion.  There are things I’ve done with such consistency that results were all but guaranteed.  Of course there are also things with additional consistency could have been all the better. consistency-quote

Consistency in my career is going to continue to be a priority in 2019.  It will allow me to continue the success I’ve been working to and more.  Consistency will also help me be a stronger team player in my office and give me the opportunity to really lead by example.

In my diet and exercise.  I started working on this in August, and really strictly from a place of vanity.  Nominated for the Apartment Association of Metro Denver’s Grand Tribute Jack Shapiro Award, I wanted to know that should I win, I’d be happy with the woman I was putting on stage. I was able to lose about 40 pounds from the time I started to award night, an additional twenty-five pounds since.  Consistency in how I eat and approach food, consistent accountability to my doctor created the space required to make the change.  Of course I struggled and was super inconsistent with my exercise in this period.  I know it’s really the missing piece to keep building on my success and be ready to participate in the Rock N Roll Half Marathon, October 2019.

My Soul… I am no where close to consistency in caring for my soul, evidenced by my sporadic participation in my blog. I am setting an appointment in my calendar to once a week blog, even if all I say is I don’t have anything to report for the week.

Relationships and family. Finding consistent habits and ways of being will only help strengthen my relationship with my husband who is my biggest source of support, my son, who is a great human. My consistency will help him in his pursuit of consistency.

So here’s to 2019, to new opportunity, and to choosing consistency.

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Where Does It Go???

Today is the Winter Solstice.  The shortest day of the year, the longest night of the year.  I look back and see I have written nothing since August.  It’s been a busy summer, a busy fall and a busy winter too…

But I wonder….

Where did the time go? How did I spend the time that I wasn’t checking in and sharing my thoughts?

Well… let’s have a look. 

September, Labor Day Weekend specifically, Eric and I travelled to Phoenix, AZ to visit his Uncle Norm.  Norm’s wife Karen was diagnosed with stage IV esophageal cancer and it’s important to be there for the family.  I attended my first board retreat for my position on the Apartment Association Board, super insightful, and I’m looking forward to continuing to be an active part of the industry in which I work.  We also travelled to San Diego to be present at Leo’s graduation from USMC basic training… OoohRah! I also had my interview as a finalist for the AAMD Tributes Grand Award named for Jack Shapiro, and industry giant and person to model your being after.  I got serious about my diet…. mostly because if I win the Jack Shapiro Award, I want to be confident in how I look going on stage to accept this award.

Vanity.  It certainly is a motivator.here comes the sun-700x400

Then there’s October, and frankly… I’m just not sure what happened with October. In fact, I just looked at the calendar on my phone and Outlook and really couldn’t tell you what I did.  I attended a Chili Cook Off….but if I’m being honest the rest, well… I just can’t account for it.  Not in a dementia kind of way…in the being passive and unintentional kind of way.

November…. WOW! November!  

On November 9, 2018 I attended the Apartment Association Tributes Awards, and won.  I hadn’t prepared anything, really not expecting to win.  I am honored and humbled and grateful to be in a class of professionals I respect and admire. And my dress…. amazing.  Hair….amazing.

And truth. 

The highlight of the evening happened on my way to the elevator, a woman stopped me and my husband from closing the door to tell me that her children thought I looked beautiful.

I believe them.

We traveled to Phoenix for Thanksgiving.  Karen has opted to for-go treatment.  She wasn’t a strong surgical candidate, and has declined chemo and radiation.  She’s strong in her faith, and visibly more frail.  We were able to spend some time with she and Norm, having the uncomfortable but needed “What next?” conversations. We saw movies… Green Book is fantastic, go see it.  So is Ralph Breaks the Internet and Creed II.  All entertained me in some way….

I reached the $1,000,000.00 mark in my sales career on November 30th, surpassing my 2017 number of $866,199.00. certainly not easy, but so rewarding to reach something I once imagined impossible.

All of that brings me to today.  December 21st, the winter solstice. The shortest day of the year. Karen’s mother says hospice is thinking Karen has 4-5 days maybe left.  Such a small period of time. So we wait and prepare ourselves for necessary travel to support Norm, to support Karen’s family, and to start making the very hard decisions yet to come.

And then there’s tomorrow. 

The days will start getting longer, the sun will shine on us for a longer while, and the nights become shorter.  So today is necessary, if only that we’re able to recognize that the dark of today is always followed by the light of tomorrow.

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